When Dad or Mum stumbles through the front door drunk several nights a week, children pick up quickly that booze might be a problem. But when Dad is away for hours, Mum and Dad fight over money and there is severe marriage conflict, children don’t readily think that Dad has a gambling problem.[1]

But the effects on the kids can be just as devastating. Gambling problems are often clothed in secrecy. The problem explodes for a parent when there is not enough money to pay for the rates, house mortgage, the electricity, or the telephone account. Children can be severely negatively affected by a parent’s gambling.[2]

Some problem gamblers leave the family home and skip out on the marriage relationship over and over again.[3] Children grieve over the loss of the parent and the family is left with fears and insecurity because of not enough money to pay the bills. Taking swift steps to safeguard family finances is top priority in dealing with problem gambling.[4]

When family find out about the gambling, it is common for them to have outbursts of anger, even rage. Like the person with a drug addiction, lies, deceit and theft can become part of the gambler’s lifestyle.[5] An extreme example of gambling’s family impact was the July 2004 report of one man accused of selling his five daughters into prostitution to pay for his gambling debt.[6]

Australians are keen gamblers, spending over $13 billion dollars in the year 2001 on gambling.[7] Most do not become problem gamblers but about 2% of adults do experience problems.

Appendix A

According to the Government of Western Australia, Department of Racing, Gaming and Liquor, these are the statistics:

· About 290,000 people in Australia (that is approximately 2% of all adult Australians) are considered to be experiencing significant problems associated with gambling.

· It is estimated that in Western Australia, problem gamblers represent 0.70 per cent of the adult population.

· Western Australia has the lowest rates of problem gambling and this can be attributed to the relative availability of gaming machines in comparison to the other states and territories.

· The average duration of gambling problems is nine years.

· Problem gambling is most prevalent with regular players of gaming machines, racing and casino table games.

· It is estimated that in 1997/98 problem gamblers spent (lost) $M2 673, 80 per cent of which was expended on gaming machines.

· Between five and ten “other” people are affected by the behaviour of a person who has a gambling problem.

· Each game played on a gaming machine is independent of results from past games – machines that have not paid out for some time have no higher chance of paying out now or in the near future.

· If a gambler “reinvests” their winnings, he or she will eventually lose the lot (available from: http://www.orgl.wa.gov.au/gaming/pgstats.php, cited 11 May 2005).

For a report on the Western Australian Gambling Industry, 2002-2003, see the Status Report at: http://www.orgl.wa.gov.au/home/reports/2003/gamstats0203.pdf [cited 11 May 2005]

Appendix B

“For every gambler with a gambling problem, there are about ten other people who are directly affected. They could be partners, wives, husbands, children, friends, parents, business colleagues, anyone”[8]

Appendix C: Gambling in Australia

“Key findings from the investigation [Productivity Commission 1999] found that around 330,000 Australians (2.3% of the adult population) had gambling problems, with 140,000 experiencing significant problems. The 330,000 problem gamblers on average lost nearly $12,000 per year from gambling activity with many problem gamblers experiencing emotional difficulties – one in ten problem gamblers said that they had contemplated suicide because of gambling.”[9]

Appendix D: Gambling 2001-2002

Australia’s $15bn gambling splurge[10]

23 September 2003

AUSTRALIANS gambled away more than $15 billion in 2001-02, according to new figures released today.

The figure works out at $1,016.85 for every Australian aged 18 or over, a rise of more than $21.95 on the previous year.

Put in other terms, 3.4 per cent of the average household’s after-tax income was lost gambling.

Australian Gambling Statistics, prepared by the Tasmanian Gaming Commission from data in all states and territories, showed Australia’s appetite for gambling continued unabated.

Total gambling turnover rose 6.56 per cent to $125 billion compared with the previous year.

Per capita, Northern Territorians were the heaviest losers, pouring an average $1,576 each into pokies, horses, casinos, lotteries and other forms of gambling.

In NSW, $1,212 was spent, while Victorians lost $1,180.

West Australians, who don’t have pokies in their pubs and clubs, were the lightest losers, at $469.

Poker machines in pubs and clubs swallowed the most money, with $85 billion spent Australia-wide, followed by casinos with $21 billion wagered.

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[1] This kind of scenario is what I face in counselling problem gamblers. No confidential details are revealed here. Her husband was complaining about how he was not able to pick up her gambling addiction readily and he wanted to know why. I walked him through the differences between illicit drug & alcohol addiction, and gambling addiction. So the evidence for this kind of statement is subjective, coming from my casework.

[2] Again, the evidence is based on my casework but camouflaged so that it won’t be recognised, but the principle is the same.

[3] Evidence? Casework.

[4] Evidence? This is part of my counselling intervention and in two months with Lifeline, it has been most successful in helping with them move to responsible gambling or eliminate gambling. The choice is theirs. I always present the alternatives.

[5] Evidence? Casework.

[6] This article reporting of a father who sold five of his daughters into prostitution, concerns a Pakistani father, Allah Ditta from Lahore, Pakistan. The mother, Bashiran, appeared in court, seeking protection for her 13-year-old daughter, who was threatened with being forced into prostitution by her father to pay for his drug and gambling habit: “Bashiran claimed her husband is a drug addict and a gambler. She said that he has been selling their daughters to elderly men over the last thirteen years in order to settle gambling debts. Bashiran said she protested when Allah Ditta tried to sell their fifth daughter, 13-year-old Sakina. She said she feared that he would sell their last daughter, Maskeena, who is seven years old. She said she had already demanded a divorce but he refused” (Waqar Gillani 2004, ‘Man accused of selling 5 daughters to settle gambling debt,’ Daily Times, Pakistan, available from: http://www.dailytimes.com.pk/default.asp?page=story_3-7-2004_pg7_7 [11 May 2005]. Gamingfloor.com indicated that the date of this article was 3 July [2004], available from: http://www.gamingfloor.com/archive/July_August_2004_Problem.html [11 May 2004].

[7] “Australians are a nation of keen punters, spending over $13 billion dollars a year on gambling,” according to Justin Healey (ed.) 2001, Issues in Society, vol. 153, details available from: http://www.spinneypress.com.au/153_book_desc.html [retrieved 11 May 2005]. This article also states that “In 1999-2000, total gambling expenditure within Australia was $13.34 billion which is more than the Tasmanian 1999-2000 GDP of $11.6 billion, the national fuel excise collected ($12.7 billion in 2000-01) and more than the tax cuts given to offset the GST ($12 billion in 2000-01) (p.1).” According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics Special Article, “Gambling in Australia,” in Yearbook Australia 2002, “Gambling activity in Australia has grown enormously during the nineties. Recent ABS data revealed that expenditure on legalised gambling exceeded $11b in 1997-98” (available from: http://www.abs.gov.au/Ausstats/[email protected]/0/99d3b5096368c2e9ca2569de002842b7?OpenDocument, cited 11 May 2005).

[8] “When the loser is not the gambler,” Gambling Support Bureau (Tasmanian government), available from: available from: http://www.perfspot.com/docs/doc.asp?id=16733 [15 November 2008].

[9] Available from, “City of Onkaparinga,” at: http://www.onkaparingacity.com/statsandfacts/socdev/gambling_Aust.asp [11 May 2005].

[10] The Advertiser (Adelaide), available from: http://www.theadvertiser.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5936,7350469%255E421,00.html [11 May 2005].

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Betty was so ashamed of the $100s of dollars a week she was losing at the poker machines. She could not face up to telling her husband and children, so she started stealing goods and hocking them to pay for the debts.

Bill would lose his $100s at the race track or TAB and he would not own up to his wife when she asked why so much money was disappearing from the joint accounts.

Shame often prevents people from admitting their gambling addictions.

There is no easy way to break through the shame barrier except by confronting the issue gently. The spouse who sees the money disappearing should speak with the partner. If there is no admission, it is recommended that the spouse contact a gambling help counsellor to develop strategies to keep finances secure.

I recall a problem gambler who told me that he was forced to admit to his problem when his wife and a counsellor “conspired to starve me of my finances” (his language).

Basketball superstar, Michael Jordan, told an interviewer on USA “60 Minutes” that he was ashamed how he allowed betting to take over his life:

“I’ve gotten myself into (gambling) situations where I would not walk away and I’ve pushed the envelope. But my drive to win is so great I just step over that line. It’s very embarrassing. One of the things you totally regret. So you look at yourself in the mirror and say, ‘I was stupid.'”[1]

For every problem gambler, there are 5-10 other people affected.

Notes:

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[1] “Jordan admits gambling was ‘stupid'”, Associated Press, October 20, 2005, available

Whytehouse designs

During these tough economic times, it is tempting to find quick solutions. Gambling is one that some people choose for a financial rescue package. They go chasing money at the races, TAB, Lotto, or on the pokies.

The Victorian government (Australia) admits, “Pokies are not designed to provide you with extra income. They are designed to make profit for others.”[1] Governments that make big bucks form gambling, want you to believe that “the pokies are simply a form of entertainment.”[2]

The problem is that when you gamble, so the responsible gambling message goes, it is meant to be entertainment. It is not designed for you to make money.

For example,

just check out the odds of winning the jackpot in Powerball – one in 54 million, the pokies: one in 9.7 million, Keno the chances of a 10 number jackpot is one in 8.9 million, Lotto: one chance in 8 million, with the best chance of a win with a simple scratchie: one chance in 960,000.

Pretty scary odds when you consider the chances of getting hit by lightning is 1 in 1.6 million.[3]

In total, what do Aussies lose on gambling? The above Today Tonight report stated that “Australians lose more than $16 billion a year on games of chance.”[4] This is made up as follows:

• • Pokies rake in a cool $8.7 billion in pubs and clubs across the country.
  • Casinos with gaming tables offering blackjack, routlette, craps, poker, and keno to name a few rake in $2.5 billion.
  • The old stayer horses, net $3.2 billion.
  • Dogs have a total turnover of $760 million.
  • The trots make about $608 million.
  • Lotteries across the country pull in $1.44 billion.
  • Keno takes in $86 million.[5]

So, in these troublesome economic times, chasing money through gambling is not a good strategy for winning cash to pay the bills.

David Campbell, writing in The Age (Melbourne) about playing the pokies said:

If it’s just for ‘fun’ and not the money, then try slowing spin times; displaying the odds on winning combinations; cutting back the ability to bet large multiples on several lines; progressively displaying the total amount lost by an individual on a machine; making the machines coin-only.

And the likelihood of that happening? Much less than the chance of getting five rhinos.[6]

In its booklet on poker machines, the South Australian government made these startling, but truthful, statements:[7]

• “Pokies are programmed so that in the end the machine will win.”
• “Nothing you do changes that.”
• “Pokies are not designed to provide you with extra income.”
• “When you play the pokies, don’t expect to win.”
• “The pokies are the winners.”
• “When playing a game like Black Rhinos, to have a 50% chance of getting five rhinos, playing one line at a time, it would take 6.7 million button presses and cost nearly $330,000.”[8]
• “You cannot change the fact that the odds are stacked against you.”

Yet, these are the kinds of statements that governments promoting “responsible gambling” and pokies would like you to hear:[9]

• • Set a limit on how much you will spend for this entertainment. If you want to see your favourite singer in concert, you know how much that entertainment will cost you. For entertainment on the pokies, set a financial limit and spend not a cent more. This may mean leaving ATM cards at home, getting a second signature on a bank account, or leaving your credit card at home.
  • Also set a limit for the time you will spend at the venue.
  • Never borrow money for gambling.
  • Accept that losses are the cost of entertainment. Never chase your losses.
  • Please learn to understand the random numbers of how poker machines work. The poker machine is designed for the gaming venue ultimately to win and not for you the winner. The pokies are meant to encourage you to play. They are not designed to give you more back than you “invest.” The occasional win for you is a big factor in attracting you back to the venue to play again.
  • If you get into trouble, you will find government funded help at Gambling Helpline and Gambling Help Service agencies in your local community.[10]

In these tough economic times, you are going to be tempted to get quick cash. Gambling is not meant for that purpose. Governments say it is designed for fun. Try telling that to families that are devastated by problem gambling!

If you go to a venue, TAB or the race track hoping to get you out of your economic fixes (paying bills of mortgage, electricity & telephone), you generally will be sorely disappointed.

South Australian Senator Nick Xenophon, elected to Australian federal parliament after a “no pokies” platform in the South Australian upper house, said:

It’s a bit cute for the clubs [in Canberra] to say they’re providing the amenity in a safe environment. It may be physically safe but it is not financially safe. This is a product that causes an enormous amount of harm. . . It is a sad situation that you have clubs that are supposed to be there supporting the community being involved in an activity that rips families a part that damages communities. And that’s the reality of poker machines.[11]

Let’s face it: The gambling venues want to suck you in to believe that you can be a winner at the pokies. Gambling is for jokers!

Notes;

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[1] Poblemgambling, “Playing the Pokies,” available from: http://www.problemgambling.vic.gov.au/taking-control/playing-pokies?s_kwcid=TC|8331|poker%20machine%20problem||S|b|3859636626 [22 August 2009].

[2] Ibid.

[3] David Richardson, “Today Tonight,” 9 November 2007, available from: http://au.todaytonight.yahoo.com/article/41371/lifestyle/aussies-continue-love-punt [22 August 2009.]

[4] Ibid.

[5] Ibid.

[6] David Campbell, “So the pokies are fun? You must be joking Mr Tatersalls,” The Age, October 20, 2003, http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2003/10/19/1066502067529.html [22 August 2009].

[7] The pokies: Before you press the button, know the facts, available from: available from: http://www.iga.sa.gov.au/pdf/PokiesBooklet-final.pdf [22 August 2009].

[8] This statement is from the Productivity Commission 1999, Australian Gambling Industries Inquiry, Report No. 10. See: http://www.pc.gov.au/projects/inquiry/gambling/docs/finalreport [22 August 2009]. A new Productivity Commission report on gambling commenced on 24 November 2008. See the press release at: http://www.treasurer.gov.au/DisplayDocs.aspx?doc=pressreleases/2008/084.htm&pageID=003&min=ceb&Year=&DocType= [22 August 2009].

[9] These are my statements and I used them in an article I wrote for a local newspaper. I am ashamed that I was so naïve as to believe this “responsible gambling” party line stuff.

[10] Details are at: http://www.olgr.qld.gov.au/responsibleGambling/communityInfo/helpServices/index.shtml [22 August 2009].

[11] Chris Kimball, “Canberra: Pokie Capital?” Stateline, 7 August 2009, available from: http://www.abc.net.au/stateline/act/content/2006/s2651132.htm [22 August 2009].

Whytehouse designs

Australia has a love affair with gambling. Almost 21% percent of the world’s pokies are in Australia.[1] For most people, gambling is a pleasurable activity. Sadly for some, it has become an addiction that they cannot tame.

Australia’s Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, has stated, “I hate poker machines and I know something of their impact on families.”[2]

Gambling devours their savings and hopes at an astonishing rate. About 80% of Australians gamble, but 40% of these play at least once a week. The majority of them gamble responsibly.

However it is estimated that about 2% of the population, about 330,000 Australians, have severe or moderate problem gambling habits and about 140,000 have severe problems. Of that number, for “about 70 per cent, their major activity is poker machines.”[3]

Australians spend more on gambling than they do on food. In the financial year 2006-2007, we spent almost $91.5 million on food. That’s about $4350 each for the year according to Bureau of Statistics figures.

However, in the previous year, 2005-06, gaming industry figures show that adults spent $148 million on gambling. That’s an average of $9491 each spent on gambling, which includes figures from tourists.[4] That is, we spend 61% more on gambling than we did on food.

How much of this gambling money goes to the venue? “The average actual gaming ‘profit’ (before tax) is about a tenth of turnover.”[5]

For those with a gambling addiction, families suffer the shame of losing their assets, being evicted from housing, and empty food cupboards. Marriages break up. Back in 1999, the Productivity Commission estimated that there are about 1600 gambling-related divorces and 1600 gambling-related separations in Australia annually. [6]

Work, health and emotional issues are sometimes impacted badly by gambling.

One estimate was that for each person who engages in excessive gambling, 5-10 other people around them are affected.[7]

Gambling is an addiction for some that is difficult to tame.

Please don’t under estimate the impact of gambling on suicide thinking and action – especially for the older generation. A recent USA study found that for adults over age 55 who had been gambling an average of 17 years before they sought self-exclusion (banning oneself) from gaming venues, they had a greater risk of suicide. The research indicated that nearly 14 percent of older adults surveyed sought help because they wanted to prevent themselves from committing suicide.[8]

One of the researchers, Lia Nower, said that “this is particularly troubling because, irrespective of age, problem gamblers have reported rates of suicidal ideation and/or attempts as high as six times those found in the general population.”[9]

What can you do to help yourself with taming a gambling addiction? What can you as a family member do to limit the damage done by gambling in your family?

Notes:

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[1] “Russell Crowe rallies against gambling,” China Daily, 2008-01-03, available from: http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/showbiz/2008-01/03/content_6368802.htm [cited 15 November 2008]. This article is in Appendix A

[2] Ibid.

[3] Maxine McKew, 19 July 1999, 7.30 Report, ABC television Australia, “Productivity Commission exposes poker machine culture,” available from: http://www.abc.net.au/7.30/stories/s37514.htm [15 November 2008].

[4] Peter Jean , June 11, 2008, “Australians spend more on gambling than on food,” Herald Sun¸ available from: http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,23844130-662,00.html [15 November 2008].

[5] Betty Conn Walker, 2003, “Vilified pokies not the root of all evil,” Sydney Morning Herald, November 20, available from: http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2003/11/19/1069027188359.html?from=storyrhs [15 November 2003].

[6] V. A. Dickson-Swift, E. L. James & S. Kippen 2005, Journal of Gambling Issues, Issue 13, March, “The experience of living with a problem gambler: Spouses & partners speak out,” available from: http://www.camh.net/egambling/archive/pdf/JGI-Issue13/JGI-Issue13-dicksonSwift.pdf [15 November 2008].

[7] Senator Jeannie Ferris 2000, 3rd National Gambling Conference, Rex Hotel, Sydney, 12 May, available from: http://www.aic.gov.au/conferences/gambling00/ferris.pdf [15 November 2008].

[8] Lia Nowerand & Alex Blaszczynski,, 16 September 2008. “Older gamblers may face greater suicide risk than younger counterparts,” Psychology and Sociology, available from e Science News at: http://esciencenews.com/articles/2008/09/16/older.problem.gamblers.may.face.greater.suicide.risk.younger.counterparts.study.finds [15 November 2008].

[9] Ibid.

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By Spencer D Gear

Kathy[2] went bananas with anger when she told her 13-year-old, Danny, for the umpteenth time (well, the 5^th time) to pick up his clothes on the floor of his bedroom and to make his bed. When he hadn’t done it at the 5^th nag, she screamed her head off at him – with a few added swear words. Danny gave her the finger and swore back at her several times. This got into a screaming match with accusations flying back and forth.

How can Kathy learn to control her anger so that there is at least a reasonable relationship with Danny and he picks up his clothes and makes the bed without a rage from Kathy? Kathy needs to learn that she makes herself angry, Danny does not make her angry, stinkin’ thinkin’ is the cause of Kathy’s anger and she can change her self-talk and thus control her anger.

But I’m jumping ahead of myself in this explanation of anger management.

To control your anger, you need to get rid of the idea that many have been taught throughout their lives – that other people make you angry. Let’s get it straight! YOU cause your own anger. If you don’t believe that, please read further. If you did not think catastrophic thoughts you would not make yourself angry. It’s that simple to explain, but it takes effort and discipline to change it – but it is not all that difficult.

Let’s do an exercise to see if this is really the case.

1. Make yourself happy. How did you do that?[3]

2. Now, immediately make yourself sad. Tell me how to do that!

3. Now, change your mood by making yourself feel angry. What would you tell somebody else to help make him/her angry?

4. Make yourself contented. Teach me how you made yourself calm.

Notice what you can do. You can move from feeling happy, to feeling sad, to feeling angry, to

feeling calm, by the way you think about life. The principle is:

As you think, you feel, you act.

The key to changing your anger is to change the way to think about events. This is not a mind-control technique, but learning to control your anger by the way you think about life. Change your stinkin’ thinkin’ (irrational self-talk) and you will learn to control your anger. It works. Nobody makes you angry. You make yourself angry.

But there are a few myths we need to uncover before we get into the real thing of teaching you to control your own anger.

I. Shattering myths about anger[4]

Myth No. 1: People always learn from their experiences.

If this is true, why do parents of teens come for counselling? Johnny may have been disobedient, acting out, taking drugs, abusing teachers, for years, but the parents continue to scream back at him, ground him for months, and he still keeps doing it.

Myth No. 2: Old habits always require long periods of time to change.

If you have been in counselling for years and have seen no remarkable change, I’d recommend you quit such counselling. This approach to controlling anger is simple, effective and quick for many people – if you will put the principles into practice every day.

Myth No. 3: You cannot be calm & undisturbed in a stressful environment.

Julie was living with a very difficult defacto partner, Peter. She thought it was impossible to live a normal life with him. She failed to realise that Julie made Julie disturbed and that Julie could make Julie undisturbed if she would put into place some fundamental principles. Peter had done many things over the years and Julie became frustrated. But Peter never disturbed Julie. She did that herself.

Myth No. 4: Everyone has a breaking point.

That might be the case if you get cane trash pushed under your fingernails, but for most situations there is generally no breaking point. Some people can endure crisis after crisis in a week and not fall in a heap or go into an obnoxious rage.

Myth No. 5: Anger cannot be prevented, it can only be suppressed.

You can learn to prevent anger if you engage in correct self-talk. Another way to put it is: “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”[5] This is not pretending not to be angry, but changing your thinking so that you control your anger. No matter what the issue or the person, it is possible to forgive your son who does outrageous things and stop getting angry.

Myth No. 6: Fight fire with fire.

Max stood up to his son, Brian, eye-to-eye, nose-to-nose, every time Brian swore at him. This had been going on since he was 12. He’s now 17. How long does it take for Dad to realise that fighting fire with fire doesn’t work?

Myth No. 7: Both parents and teens must be seen in counselling with a rebellious teen.

Many parents struggling with youth problems in the family, think that the teens need to be fixed and parents need not be involved. Parents can be seen alone; youth can be counselled solo. However, it would be desirable to have both parents and youth working together on the change process, but parents alone or youth alone can begin the change process – as long as they want to change.

Myth No. 8: The “real reasons” behind a problem – the hidden causes from childhood – must

be understood before personality changes can be made.

In most circumstances, it is not necessary to delve into a person’s past. What is important is to show how, for example, Dad is getting himself worked up today, with this teenager, over this issue!

If you are interested in preventing your anger, learning how to cool down, and giving up blaming others for your anger – READ ON!

II. Anger can be harmful [6]

A. Anger almost always increases your frustrations.

B. Getting angry prevents your solving problems.

C. You are a poor example of mental health.

D. Anger can make you physically sick.

E. Anger is the greatest single cause for divorce.

F. Anger can be responsible for one of the most depraved of human behaviours – child abuse.

III. The sequence of how you make yourself angry[7]

From beginning to end, there are either 5 or 6 steps in getting angry. If you end the sequence merely feeling angry and wanting to kill someone, you will stop at step 5. If you wind up punishing rather than penalising someone, you’ve gone all the way to the 6^th and the final step.

Step 1: “I want something.”

Step 2: “I didn’t get what I wanted and I’m frustrated.”

What you do with this frustration is extremely important in determining the direction your emotions will take. Step 3 is probably the first point at which you can begin to react in a bad way.[8]

Step 3: “It is awful and terrible not to get what I want and not to be treated as a person.”

If you define your frustration as a catastrophe, you’ve had it. Depending on what you tell yourself about your frustrations, you can develop several problems such as depression, anxiety or anger. The hateful emotional reactions of anger, rage, revenge and spitefulness are produced by the sentences you tell yourself (your self-talk). Briefly, they are:

(a) I must have my way and it is awful not to get everything I want, and

(b) You are wicked for frustrating me and you deserve to be punished.

If you follow step 4, it mostly leads specifically to anger.

Step 4: “You shouldn’t frustrate me! I must have my way.”

At this point you have changed the wish into a demand.

Step 5: “You’re bad for frustrating me.”

You have made the unfortunate evaluation that someone was bad because he or she frustrated you. His/her actions might be objectionable, but that never means you are compelled to reject the person because you reject the behaviour.

Step 6: “Bad people ought to be punished.”

These 6 steps are easily condensed into only two steps:

(1) I want my own way, and

(2) I must, therefore, have it.

IV. How do you learn to control your anger?

A. Quit making things BIGGER than BIG in your mind[9]

Most of us can make BIG things out of LITTLE things. “The next time you get upset over positively anything ask yourself as soon as possible thereafter, and preferably before you get upset, if you aren’t really being only annoyed rather than tortured.” Could it be that you are experiencing “only a sad event rather than a tragic event”? Is it possible to “live through the frustration without it killing you”? If it is only annoying instead of being like the end of the world, you will suffer from annoyances and disappointments. BUT if you “think you’re suffering catastrophes, earth-shattering events, and deadly issues,” you will make yourself angry.[10]

This gets to the core of how to control your anger. Most events are not like the end of the world (catastrophic). Most things in our lives are not as serious as we think they are. Even those that are serious can be made worse by making ourselves upset over them.

So, how do we control anger? We need to practice this way of thinking:

1. Frustrations are not disturbances.

“A frustration is the condition of wanting something and not getting it, or not wanting something and having it forced on you.”[11] Even if somebody does something aggressive towards you or treats you like a nerd, you may become frustrated but you do not need to become disturbed (angry) by it. How come?

2. Most frustrations are quite tolerable

Here’s the challenge to control your anger. Learn to see less events in your life as frustrations.

Or, learn to see your frustrations as not as serious as you think they are. If you could do this, you would learn to control your anger. To do this, you will need to evaluate your frustrations and think more carefully about them than you have in the past. For example:

• If somebody never loved you dearly, you would not die.
• Being rejected is not the end of the world.
• If your children leave clothes, books and toys all over their rooms, it is not a catastrophic frustration but a challenge to find a way to encourage them to tidy the room.
• A person cutting you off in traffic is not reason to shout a string of swear words.

Even if frustrations are severe, there is no reason for them to lead to an outburst of anger, unless you choose for that to happen.

3. Why distinguish between frustrations [annoyances] and catastrophes?

This is to help you to control your anger. Here’s the issue:

“If you think that what is happening to you is going to kill you, then you surely aren’t going to sit still and let people run all over you. But if you do not think something is the end of the world, you’re going to take it calmly and not get angry over it.”[12]

Here’s how it happens. You make yourself angry when you say that things are awful in your thinking. When you make catastrophes out of frustrations, you will make yourself angry. It is not the end of the world to be treated unfairly by your teenager or mother. Prove to yourself and to me that it is absolutely terrible! If she accuses you of being a bitch, please show me how that must hurt you!

If you think, “What a b-b-so-and-so my mother is when she doesn’t allow me to do that, you will become angry because you are making it sound like a catastrophe in your thinking. Once you think something is horrible or unbearable, you will make yourself angry – even very angry.

4. Anger can cover up your fear.

Some angry people have fears of failure or fears of being inadequate, so they cover up with anger.

5. Do you ever have to have your own way?

a. Anger says, “I don’t deserve this kind of treatment, so it must stop immediately.”

Whenever your self-talk is saying something must or must not, should or should not be done or happen, you will most likely be building up a steam of anger. “This is an imperfect world and sometimes it stinks, so you’d better get used to the smell.”[13]

b. If you are ever to learn self-control of your anger, you need to understand these basic principles:

(1) There is no law against your being treated in a wrong way.[14]

(2) It is uncomfortable when you are treated unfairly by anybody, but it is not catastrophic (like the end of the world).

(3) If somebody treats you unfairly, there’s no point in labelling that person as wicked. That person simply does unfair things.

(4) If you try to punish severely that person, it does not help the situation at all.

You become angry because you confuse the desire for fair treatment with thinking that you must have fair treatment.

6. When you catastrophise in your thoughts, you are a dictator.

“The one type of person most people do not want to be close to is a dictator, someone telling them to do this or that without any regard to their own wishes. Has it ever occurred to you, however, that when you’re angry you are always a dictator? It’s easy enough to see this when you recall what it is that makes you sore in the first place: your demands. And what is a dictator but a walking demand?”[15]

a. Mum in control

Think of a Mum whose son, Bill, does not obey her most of the time! Instead of going into a rage just about every time, she could behave more sensibly if she would realise that:

(1) It would be very nice if Bill would become an obedient son;

(2) About the only way that this will happen is by telling Bill that guaranteed consequences will be put into place for him;

(3) To motivate Bill to obedience, these consequences will be stated in a written contract and take effect from next week. Of course, he never has to experience these consequences. All he has to do is obey Mum’s instructions every time.

(4) If these consequences don’t motivate Bill to obedience, Mum will not feel angry with Bill, but will calmly accept that fact that Bill does not want to change – YET!

b. Mum the dictator!

If Mum takes the other road of being a dictator (catastrophises), she will follow an irrational process:

(1) Bill’s disobedience is unbearable;

(2) Mum will have to work harder to get Bill to obey;

(3) If Bill does not obey, Mum will scream, slap him, let him know how bad he is for defying his mother, and insist angrily that he must do as his mother says;

(4) Keep this up until Bill sees how right Mum is and Bill obeys.

You don’t have to be a genius to see that Mum the dictator will probably not succeed. Yet millions of well-meaning parents around the world are dictators in their talk and self-talk, thinking that children have to do what’s good for them because the parents are right and the kids are facing a life-and-death issue. If Bill attacked Mum, I would hope that Mum would protect herself and others, even calling on others for assistance

If you are angry for any reason (unless there is a physical cause), you become a dictator in your thoughts: “I must get my way and he should not treat me that way.” This is irrational thinking that makes you angry.

7. Self-pity and Anger

Often depression goes hand in glove with anger. This often happens with people who are into self-pity. The self-pitier lets others have their own way, becomes bitter, but one day there is an explosion.

For example, Ann has allowed her 16-year-old daughter, Sally, to hit her around for years. Sally is taller and heavier than Ann. Ann has developed the bad habit of making a catastrophe in her thinking about stopping Sally from hitting her around.

Beware of those who engage in self-pity. The day of reckoning will come when they explode in anger. They may have been fearful, long-suffering and passive for years, while they catastrophise all inside their heads. Eventually it may lead to bitterness, anxiety and depression – and then the explosion!

“Most of the frustrations from which you suffer are really not all that awful, and the few that are bad can be handled with much more calm and acceptance than you generally think possible.”[16]

B. Quit the Blame Game

1. “Blame is the central issue of anger.”[17] Suppose I call you a nerd, shit or bastard and you rage at me, calling me a blankety blank b. . . When you get angry with me, you are trying to convince others and me that I am a damnable person who is good-for-nothing. You have turned my obnoxious behaviour into a personal assassination of me as a person. To overcome your anger, you need to separate the person from his or her actions. To control anger, you need to become problem-oriented and not blame-oriented.[18] When you damn people in your thinking, it will come out of your mouth in anger towards them.

2. To control your anger,

• Always separate the person from his or her actions;
• Remember that most “people behave badly for three very good reasons: stupidity, ignorance, and disturbance.”[19]
• Forgive everyone, but learn from the things people do to you. Forgiveness means you lay aside your right to get even with another person.
• The more you blame others in your thinking and speech, the more angry you become.
• The more you treat people like garbage, the more likely they are to treat you the same way.

3. The next time things don’t go your way, think about how much damage you could do to yourself by becoming angry. Of course it takes time to master new ways of thinking and doing. You can learn,

• You don’t need to have your own way;
• It is not for you to decide that this world should not be filled with selfish and cruel people, all because you demand it to be that way;

• That people are not labelled by you as bad because they behave badly; and
• That people should be treated badly because they treat others badly.

4. You need to stop and think that it is false to say that you can’t take insults calmly and to sit down quietly and talk through things with others who are doing or saying crappy things to you. Your “natural” way of doing things (blaming them and exploding in anger) is nothing more than a habit of reacting that you have learned over the years. “You can unlearn to be that way.”[20]

5. “You get angry today not because you’ve been a sorehead all your life but because you are still telling yourself that you can’t stand not getting your way and that others have no right to be wrong. Should you question the notions the very next time you are frustrated, you will also not get angry the very next time you are frustrated. Try it and see!”[21]

V. If you don’t get angry, what else can you do?

By now you will have learned that you will function better if you do not blame, keep your cool, and do something else. What is that something else?

A. Control your own anger by using the principles you have learned here.

B. Keep on believing that people can control their own anger, unless they have brain damage from an accident or disease.

C. Imagine what you can do when another person tries to push your buttons and instead of flying into a rage you respond calmly and reasonably.

D. Behaviour and words matter, but actions speak louder than words. It is what you do and say about frustration that matters, not how much you scream at another person.

E. Watch out for the ways that children and spouses can be amazingly creative in getting around frustrations. Stand your ground, even if the other tries many techniques to get his or her own way.

F. If somebody accuses you, you have two options: (1) It is true. If so, admit it. You are a fallible human being with lots of faults. (2) It is false. Give the other person the right to his/her opinion and don’t enter into arguments. Let it rest. You can say to yourself (and not to him): “He has the right to be wrong.” “In this way it is possible never to become upset over any accusation or to make insults out of unkind remarks.”[22]

G. Practise logical consequences:

“Unless you suffer for your mistakes, you’re likely to continue making them. If others let you get off scot-free when you have behaved badly, you will act badly again in the belief that nothing uncomfortable will happen to you.”[23]

Here are some common issues with kids and youth and some logical consequences:[24]

(1) If your teenager will not obey the curfew time at night (or any other time), the teen is told that she may be picked up by the police and you will not bail her out if she makes choices to disobey in this way.

(2) If your youth will not turn off his desk lamp in the morning before going to school, after he has gone to school you as parent go in and pull the lamp apart, unplug it from the power point. Warn him ahead of time that you will do this if he leaves the light on when he goes to school. The same can be done with a radio, CD or stereo left blaring in a room when a child is not there.

(3) If there are fights by the children over washing or drying the dishes, tell them that they do not need to eat at your table if they refuse to clean the dishes. You don’t care either way. The choice is hers. Do the dishes and enjoy cooked food, or get the boring alternative of looking through the refrigerator for food, but you will not be able to cook any food.

(4) The child refuses to put on his seat belt while the car is moving. Don’t yell, just pull up beside the road and stop. When the belt is buckled, the journey continues. Without a word, the driver is back into the flow of traffic again.

(5) If a child will not eat with knife, fork and spoon, give her a choice. Eat with knife and fork or eat with the fingers. That becomes difficult with mashed potatoes (she sits there until the potatoes are all eaten. She’ll see quickly the advantage of eating with knife and fork.

(6) If a child leaves toys and clothes lying on the floor and furniture (he doesn’t put things away), you as a parent pick up the items and lock them away for a week. Make sure tht you warn him that this will happen.

(7) If there is fighting among brothers and sisters when they are watching TV, switch off the TV without saying a word.

(8) You have asked the children to put their clothes in the dirty clothes-basket and they refuse or “forget.” Don’t go to their rooms to pick up the clothes. Let them use up all of their clothes until one day they want a particular piece of clothing and realise that it is not clean. I can assure you that they will run to the dirty clothes basket with an arm full of dirty clothes.

These are some of the benefits of natural or logical consequences. Use them. They work.

H. Teach others what you are learning.

Most won’t learn in the heat of the argument. Wait until they have cooled down. Explain how their thinking affects how they act. Also, blowing their tops with anger is not the most healthy way to deal with anger.

I. Accept the fact that most people can become disturbed (neurotic).

J. Count to 10 before you react. As corny as this sounds, it can give you time to consider your thoughts and not make yourself angry.

VI. To control your anger

We’ve learned that you upset yourself by the irrational self-talk you use in your thoughts. You need to identify this stinkin’ thinkin’ and change it. You can learn new ways of thinking. If you get frustrated and angry, it simply means that you have learned one lot of stinkin’ thinkin.’

A. Be encouraged

You can learn new ways, but there is no guarantee how long it will take you to unlearn thoughts that lead to anger. Don’t blame yourself for those early failures of angry outbursts. Previously you did not know what caused them and how to control them. Now you know differently. You can unlearn bad habits.

B. Discipline yourself

Consider this: It is easier to shut your mouth, quit blaming others, and change your stinkin’thinkin’ (that causes anger), than to live with the regrets of jail from an outburst of anger.

“To acquire self-discipline requires the realization that difficult tasks are better handled by facing them (regardless of how ugly and difficult they may be) than by avoiding them. Controlling your anger is sometimes among the most difficult acts you can perform. Be that as it may, do it!”[25]

C. Don’t make matters worse.

If somebody commits an injustice against you, the last thing in the world that you need is to create a greater injustice by getting frustrated or by letting fly in a rage. There are two ways to keep your cool when you are tempted to blow your top. Say to yourself:

1. I am not God and am disturbed if I think that I can always have my own way.

2. I must “be smart, someone is trying to shaft me. That’s bad enough, old boy. Surely you’re not going to be dumb now and do to yourself what that fellow is trying to do. No, sir! Maybe he doesn’t give a hoot about my feelings, but I sure do. Therefore, I’m going to forcibly talk myself out of the angry mood which is beginning to come over me. Having trouble is one thing, and it’s often unavoidable. But making double trouble for myself is another matter entirely.”[26]

D. “But it feels phoney.”

Sometimes people put it bluntly, “I feel as though I have to fake it. It seems phoney when I change my self-talk (stinkin’ thinkin’).” These people fail to realise that we engage in self-talk in our thinking much of the time. “What we must always remember about Self-Talk is that we do not create Self-Talk; we simply recognize that it is already there. . . Whenever we attempt to change patterns of thinking it is hard work. We would rather stay as we are than make the effort required to change. And basically, we really don’t like to change.”[27]

Some will say, “But it doesn’t work for me.” It takes a lot of practice to learn to be a reasonable swing bowler in cricket. Women who do crochet tell me that it takes quite a bit of practice to become competent in this art form. It’s much the same with changing your thinking about anything. When people say that “it doesn’t work,” ask them what they are doing to stop it from working? There are generally three reasons:

1. They are not taking the time to identify the demands they are making on themselves and others in their thinking;

2. They enjoy the stinkin’ thinkin’ (irrational beliefs) and don’t want to leave them go;

3. They are not questioning these demands of irrational beliefs consistently.[28]

Let’s face it. It takes time to change stinkin’ thinking’ and bring them into control by thinking on what is good, pure and lovely. Positive self-talk will lead to control of your anger.

“If you are still struggling with identifying the problems in your present Self-Talk, try this. Ask what you were telling yourself just as you got angry. Or ask yourself what you were saying in your mind just before you felt those pangs of guilt, or that panicky feeling of fear and anxiety. Identify what you said in your Self-Talk as you began to worry.”[29]

E. How it worked out for Kathy

Remember we met Kathy at the beginning of this article? She went off the deep end with anger when Danny her 13-year-old wouldn’t pick up his clothes and make his bed before going off to school.

In counselling, Kathy learned these principles and practised a thought-stopping exercise. Whenever she felt the adrenalin rising and she was about to scream at Danny, she slapped the fleshy part of her upper leg. (She could just as easily have shouted, “Stop,” in her head. Or, as some prefer, put a rubber band around your wrist and sting your arm to alert you to change your stinkin’ thinkin.’) This was her cue to stop to examine her irrational thinking. She was living out the typical sequence of stinkin’ thinkin’. In her head she said, “I must get what I want and it’s terrible and like the end-of-the-world when Danny doesn’t obey me. He’s a b . . . for not obeying me immediately. More than that, I’m his mother and he does not have the right to treat me like this. I must have my way. The little b.b. so-and-so.”

Notice the shoulds, musts and demands in her thinking. As long as she continued to think that way. She made herself angry. Danny did not make her angry.

In counselling, Kathy worked on quitting the demands she was making in her thinking. It seemed strange at first, but it became easier with daily practice. These were some of her thought changes:

1. Yep! It’s a bit frustrating when Danny won’t pick up his clothes at the first ask, but he’s not a b-b-so-and-so.

2. He’s a pretty normal teen. I chose to give him my lip, over and over. I’ve been acting like Mum the dictator. I will stop this talking in chapters to him. He’s a pretty normal teen.

3. Yes, I am his Mum, but I will ask twice – max. – and if he doesn’t pick up his clothes, they go into the locked Saturday Box which I open once a week on Saturday morning. I’ll give him one week’s notice that this is what will be happening.

4. If he insults me and swears at me when he is without clean clothes, I’ll sit down with him and calmly say what I have put into a written contract, “The Saturday Box will be used every week if clothes are left lying on your bedroom floor. I’ll pick them up after you go to school. It’s up to you, Danny, to decide if you want to go to school with a clean uniform or with clean regular clothes. If necessary, I’ll let the deputy principal of the high school know what I am doing.”

Kathy learned these anger management principles by thinking and saying things that controlled her anger with Danny. It took only a short time to do it (about a couple of months of learning), but in the span of life that is a short time-frame. She was able to apply the same principles with her other children.

VII. This is simple, but not easy.

The principles for controlling your anger are simple to explain and simple to practice: Nobody makes you angry. You can’t blame anybody else for your anger. (It would be nice if people treated you nicely, but you can’t make them do that.) You make yourself angry by the way you think about people and life. Change the shoulds, musts and other demands in your thinking and you control your anger. It is simple to explain but it is a challenge to practise it daily. There will be times when you forget some of what you learned here. At those times, if you have less frequent episodes of anger, your anger is less intense, and you are angry for shorter periods of time – you are making progress. If you have severe anger and now it only lasts for an hour instead of all day – you have improved.

To help you analyse your thoughts that lead to anger, use the “Self-Talk Analysis for Anger” below.

The principles are simple. The practice of self-control of your anger takes a short time to learn, but the benefits are lifetime. How committed are you to controlling your anger?

Self-Talk Analysis for Anger (Example)

Anger Activators	Shoulds/Musts or Demands	Restated as desires or wants
Danny lost his text book	He should know better.He should have taken care of it sooner. I shouldn’t have to tell (lecture) him.	I wish he would be more responsible.One of these days he will understand that he only hurts himself. I sure will be glad when he takes care of these things without my help.

Notes:

[1] This is a cognitive-behavioural approach to anger management, based on Rational-Emotive Therapy.

[2] Kathy is not her real name and enough details have been changed so that you would not recognise her. However, Kathy’s anger is typical of a lot of mothers of teenage children and how she learned to control it.

[3] Note: Most people say that they thought on something that made them happy, sad, angry and calm. When I want to make myself sad, I think of the day my father dropped dead at the age of 57. I enjoy Baskin & Robbins (USA) ice-cream. I can make myself very happy by thinking on some of the delightful B & R flavours I have enjoyed over the years. I can become angry by remembering that abusive woman I met when I returned those clothes that were too small. She screamed at me as if I had stolen $500.00 out of her handbag. What a b-b-so-and-so she was! I can make myself feel calm as I look across the calm waters of Hervey Bay when I visit on a gently warm Spring day.

[4] Based on Paul A. Hauck, Overcoming Frustration and Anger. Philadelphia: The Westminster Press, 1974, pp. 15-24. This artoc;e is a cognitive-behavioural (Rational Emotive Therapy) approach to anger self-control.

[5] Philippians 4:8, New International Version of the Bible.

[6] Based on Hauck, pp. 26-33.

[7] These 6 steps are based on ibid., pp. 42-54.

[8] Hauck used the term, “Neurotically.”

[9] This section is based on Hauck, ch. 3, p. 61 ff.

[10] Ibid., p. 61, emphasis added.

[11] Ibid., p. 62.

[12] Ibid., p. 66.

[13] Ibid., p. 72.

[14] These points are based on ibid.

[15] Ibid., p. 76.

[16] Ibid., p. 84.

[17] Ibid., p. 85.

[18] Suggested by ibid., p. 86.

[19] Ibid., p. 88.

[20] Ibid., p. 104.

[21] Ibid.

[22] Ibid., p. 119.

[23] Ibid.

[24] Based on ibid., p. 123 ff.

[25] Ibid., p. 137.

[26] Ibid., p. 139.

[27] David Stoop, Life Can Be Great When You Use Self-Talk. Old Tappan, New Jersey: Fleming H. Revell Company, 1982, pp. 149-50.

[28] Based on ibid., p. 151.

[29] Ibid., p. 152.

 

Copyright © 2009 Spencer D. Gear. This document last updated at Date: 28 January 2018

 

Face of desperation

by Kimberly
(Illinois )

(courtesy Get Domestic Violence Help)

By Spencer D Gear

This brief article is based on a News Release for the Family & Relationships’ Programme, Lifeline Fraser District, Qld, when I was manager of that programme from 2006.

Men are not born violent. All people have the ability to choose to do the wrong thing and the correct thing in the family.

How can men recognise the signs that often lead to family abuse?

Physically, there may be tensions in the muscles around the shoulders, neck, back, in the stomach and elsewhere. Men may clench their fists, veins may stand out on the neck and head. Others pace back and forth and there is a change in breathing patterns.

Another cue is in the emotions. A man may feel he has been put down and misjudged by his wife. This leads to a sense of feeling hurt and misunderstood and rage develops along with resentment.

Lifeline’s Spencer Gear said, “I have known men who do a lot of fantasising before abuse. They daydream about getting revenge. Others see themselves as punishing the wife for wrong that he perceives. He uses ‘stinking thinking’ to give himself the gee-up for his imagined payback.”

There are some danger zones when men find it easier to choose to be violent. These include discussion of sensitive topics such as children, finances, sex and the in-laws.

For some men, there are special times and places when they choose to be abusive. Travel in the car can be a prime example. Others find being in the kitchen around tea time as an opportunity to abuse the partner.

Men sometimes keep on telling themselves things that fuel the sense of being a victim. He then lashes out.

Men’s abuse of women is a choice. It can be changed.

Our personal warning signs are cues that indicate that we can choose to be abusive or violent very soon. Just as you can ignore the road signs to your own danger, so ignoring warning signs for abusive behaviour can be very dangerous if ignored.

What may be a warning sign for one man might not be for another. We all need to be aware of the warning signs of abuse and take responsibility to choose a different way to treat the wife and children.

Copyright © 2009 Spencer D. Gear. This document last updated at Date: 28 January 2018

 

 By Spencer D Gear

I’ve had men say to me in counselling, “I have never committed violence against my wife. I would never, ever hit her.” But he has no qualms about screaming at her, cursing her, cutting off the money, or preventing her from seeing friends.

All of these are abusive behaviours that need to stop to build a healthy marriage or relationship.

How can men learn to change their angry and abusive ways?

One of the special ways is through a group that provides a safe environment for them to examine their abuse. Changed behaviour often starts with a change in beliefs about how men treat women.

A group encourages men to explore their abusive beliefs, challenge one another and to seek better ways of relating to women.

Groups are different from individual counselling. They give the opportunity for men who have not faced the music of their relationships to openly and honestly explore and challenge one another on their beliefs about intimate relationships.

In our Aussie male culture, this type of self-examination and self-confrontation is fairly rare. Here’s an opportunity for blokes to learn positive techniques about anger and abuse from other blokes.

It starts with changing abusive beliefs!

 

Copyright © 2009 Spencer D. Gear. This document last updated at Date: 28 January 2018